Memoir

When Pretending Becomes Personality: An Introvert’s Secret

I don't think it really matters anymore if people see me as introvert or extrovert. Why? Because I've found myself and I'm having so much fun!

Photo by sydney Rae / Unsplash

Hi there. I'm Matt. I don't think we've met before. But anyway, nice e-meeting you! Or you do know me because I sent this blog to you. Well, in that case, I'm sorry you know me. It's too late to back out now, though, so tough luck.

You see, before all the spotlight and social situations, I was a shy, reserved, keep-my-head-down kind of guy. The kind of person who’d rather pretend not to speak the language or even act mute, just to avoid talking to people. I’d avoid any interaction to save myself from the intense social anxiety of it all.

I did save quite a bit of money, too by not going over to Starbucks because of their Grande, Venti, Tall, or whatever the jargon they have just for the size of a cup. What happens to the old Small, Medium, and Large (or Extra Large)? Isn't that way easier?

Oh yes, I stuttterrer. A lot, especially when I was younger. Still do now, although not as much. So that makes things awkward in a Grande-size cup sometimes.

But what made me become more extroverted, or at least appear like it?

Desperation. Mostly. Maybe it was my way of overcoming social anxiety and shyness.

Okay, okay, maybe not just desperation, but you get the idea. I just wanted to feel normal ordering a Venti-sized Americano at Starbucks, without rehearsing over and over like my life depends on it. I wanted to walk up to my crush, tell her I liked her, and ask her out. Not that confidence guarantees a yes, but at least you don't walk away with another regret on your personal Greatest Hits playlist of What-Ifs. This was all part of my journey of building confidence and finding ways to manage my social anxiety.

So, one day, I decided to fake it, to pretend, to wear a mask (figuratively, of course. This was pre-pandemic. I wasn’t setting any global trends!). Confidence. Charisma. Small talk. The whole package. This felt like acting for confidence in real life.

You know what helped the most? That drama acting class. Let me tell you, it was a very funny story.

It was during my university day. I was an English major and in my senior year, I had to enroll in a drama acting class. You can imagine the terror in my eyes when I heard that it was mandatory. Me? On a stage? In front of people? Oh. My. Oh. My. And my social anxiety went through the roof! The thought of public speaking already terrified me, but this – public acting performance? Oh no.

I even considered faking sick for the first class. Maybe the second, third, or whenever I could get away with it. I didn't think that far ahead. I wanted to get the hardest part over with.

But on that day, God, apparently, had a better plan for me (even though I'm not a big believer and actually an agnostic but you know what I mean). The teacher asked everyone to stand in a line, then walked past us slowly, looking thoroughly and analyzing each of us as if he was going to cast us for an Indie yet Oscar-worthly film. He was studying us all, trying to decide which role best suited our personalities, or to be more accurate, as in his saying, our faces.

And I swear I'm not making this up. What happened next is exactly how it went down.

The teacher finally made his way up to me. Looked at me for half a second, and said, "You. You will play Ferris Bueller".

Yes. That Ferris Bueller. The kid who fakes being sick to avoid going to school. I got cast as the guy who fakes being sick. I mean...talk about typecasting. It was almost as if the teacher knew exactly what was in my mind.

Every role he assigned to all of us was equally challenging, but to my biased self, I felt like mine was the toughest. Because not only did I have to act, but also I had to talk. And not only that, I had to perform in front of the whole class, too. This was a huge challenge when you were trying to overcome the fear of public speaking rooted in social anxiety.

Ferris Bueller was everything I wasn't. He was the master of cool. Funny. Charming. And there I was, a shy awkward guy who could barely order a coffee at Starbucks without sounding like a broken record. Dealing with stuttering and social situations felt like a constant battle. How could I possibly convince people that I was confident? Let alone Ferris Bueller's confidence. I could already imagine myself on stage, shaking and trembling, sending shockwaves through the room like a 7.5-magnitude earthquake.

But as the rehearsals started, a series of something strange happened. The more I read his lines, walked like him, talked like him, smirked and was cheesy manipulative like him, became him...the more I started to feel a little bit of Ferris in me. Like I was borrowing his confidence, learning confidence through role-playing and trying to overcome shyness and social anxiety as I stepped into his shoes (even though they were probably two sizes too big).

I was just playing a role in the first few sessions, but as days passed, it didn't feel like me acting anymore. I was learning how to become someone I had always wished I could be. I could now crack a joke with a straight face, holding back the laughter just long enough to drop the punchline at the perfect moment. I could present my project in front of a room full of people without breaking a sweat. This felt like truly becoming more outgoing, a significant step in managing my social anxiety.

I was supposed to be Ferris Bueller just for a few minutes, but now years have passed, there is still something stuck with me long after the final curtain. The confidence, the charisma, the ability to speak up and take risks. All the bits I was borrowing from Ferris Bueller—they're not just his anymore; they're mine too. This was a key part of finding my true self and moving beyond the limitations of my social anxiety.

It didn't feel like wearing a mask anymore. The mask and my face became one.

So, here I am now, confidently navigating life and ordering that Venti-sized Americano like it's no big deal. Who would have thought that pretending to be someone else would end up teaching me to be myself? It's funny how acting for confidence can lead to genuine self-assurance and a significant reduction in social anxiety.

People now see me as friendly, and funny, and some even go as far as to call me an extrovert. But underneath it all, I’m still the same guy from before the Ferris role. I can still be shy, quiet, and panicky over ordering a simple menu at a restaurant.
The difference is—it just doesn’t bother me anymore.

I don't think it really matters anymore if people see me as an introvert or extrovert. Why? Because I've found myself and I'm having so much fun! It seems I've found a way to overcome social anxiety in a way that feels authentic to me.

✨ Acknowledgments

To my drama teacher, Andy. — thank you so much for putting your trust in me for the role. It truly changed my life. I've learned a lot from you, and I'm sure there will be many more to come. I hope that one day, we will stand at Stamford Bridge and sing the Blue is the Colour anthem together. CHELSEA. CHELSEA. CHELSEA.

To Ferris Bueller. — wherever you are in the fictional universe, thank you for teaching me that faking it is sometimes just the first step of making it.

And to all of you — you've made it here at the very end. Thank you for reading my story and I hope you enjoy it as much as I did enjoy writing these!

If you'd like to support my writing journey, feel free to buy me a coffee here. Every little bit helps— and I’ll pretend I didn’t tear up when I saw your name pop up. ☕💙 Or you can support me by signing up your email so that you will be amongst the first to read my pieces!