Understanding the "Let Them, Let Me" theory, and why it shouldn't be your core belief

Lately, there have been a trend online where we need to embrace the mindset of radical acceptance and stoicism - coming into the name of "Let Them, Let Me" theory. I believe this was made famous by the author Mel Robbins - in the book called, "The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can't Stop Talking About".

"Let Them, Let Me" is a theory about a two-part mindset shift rooted in the psychological principle - where you have something you can control and over something that you can't take your hands of.

1. Let Them (Release Control)

This part is about accepting the reality of situations and other people's behavior, especially when it's something out of your influence - says the weather is hotter than it was being forecasted. You can't control the current temperature - even if you spend countless of hours worrying and complaining in frustration: it won't change, at least not because of all those anyway.

2. Let Me (Your Action)

This is the part where you accept that you can't change the weather around you - instead you can influence your actions and work around the situation - finding an air-conditioned space, taking off your jackets, or drinking more water to regulate your body's temp.

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Although the concept is good and rather practical, people can easily fall into this trap and use it as an easy mechanism to dodge personal accountability. While the above hypothetical situation can be applied and complimented with the theory, there are several examples that people might use it in the wrong way and manipulate the theory and actually engaging in act of "gas-lighting".

For instance, when someone expresses a complaint or concern about you, applying "Let Them" stance may prevent you from actually listening and taking their feedback to evaluate and think about how your action might have rubbed them the wrong way.

"Is this complaint a reflection of their emotional issues, or a reflection of my blind spot?"

"Matt, you've talked too much" - something my co-worker might have been saying about me. In my defense, most things I've talked about are work-related, but the "too much" part can be interpreted in that I could have spoken way too loud sometimes and it disrupts other team member concentration on their tasks.

And the fact that it's an office setting - conversations are bound to happen, specially where communication is key and necessary to the job description - I work in content management and marketing.

And if you apply the "Let Me" part, you assume it was their issues and that they might have been a little too sensitive and it was other one person complaint while the rest seems to be just fine.

Read More: Are People Too Sensitive — Or You Are Just Being a Jerk?

Again, this could be a perfect counter argument and it's possible that the compliant was maybe an overreaction or a personal conflict, but this excuse demonstrates that "Let Me" is not always about protecting yourself from others, sometimes it's about moving the goalpost and adjusting the situation to be in your favor.

The Balanced Approach: Listen, Evaluate, Then Apply

Don't get me wrong, "Let Them, Let Me" is still a powerful mindset that it's worth adopting to be your default thinking - only if you apply it with "Listen and Evaluate" approach.

• Listen: acknowledge the complaint or feedback without immediately defending yourself.
• Evaluate: ask yourself if the issue is about your action or is it about the other person's uncontrollable emotions and expectations.

If it's the former, then you can apply the "Let Me" and take responsibility and apologizing to them and commit to change your behavior for the better. If it's the latter, then it's a good time to apply the original "Let Them, Let Me" to release something beyond your control and move forward with your life without the unnecessary stress.

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The "Let Them, Let Me" model is an excellent stress management tool, but it is a poor guiding philosophy for a life that requires growth, accountability, and meaningful connection.