The Knox Files: Entry One—The Ugly Truth Behind A Pretty Mask.

“There are many reasons you want to recover a file you just deleted". — Mr. Robot, Season 3, Episode 8, titled eps3.7_dont-delete-me.ko

I’ve never been good at these things. I don't like speaking in front of strangers. I wish we could do this over email. I don't want their sympathy—and I sure as hell don’t want the small talk after. The handshakes. The forced smiles. The whispered condolences.

But I'll do it. For Matt. Just this once.

.....

Matt was good at pretending and acting like he was fine so you left him alone. Always smiled just enough so you wouldn’t suspect a thing. Joked about hating his life, then laughed it off at just the right moments—like it was nothing. Anything to keep things light, to hold the darkness at bay, even while everything inside him was collapsing like a poorly built structure.

You wouldn't have noticed. Most of you didn't. And I don't blame you. This was what he wanted you to know. He didn't want you to see the cracks, although he did admit to some of you that there were some cracks, but he always ended the conversation with, "I'm doing better now, don't worry".

I told you his poker face was world-class. He even wrote a blog earlier about how he faked his way through his struggles. He didn’t lie. He just didn’t know. I could have intervened, but if the lies were keeping him alive, who was I to stop him?

But we are gathered here today, for the same reason, to mourn for him. His smiles, his endless, "I'm fine". A master of disappearing without leaving the room. That was Matt that we know. He died quietly. Not with a bang. There was no letter. Though there were far too many cries for help hidden in his self-deprecating, dry humour. A loud nothingness whisper that no one heard. Except me.

.....

I was there with him. I don't remember much of anything prior to that night. But that doesn't matter now, does it? Even if it does, I'm not here to talk about myself. This is not an interrogation nor an interview. I'm not going to entertain you with answers. You don't need to know who I am. Not yet. Not now anyway.

He went to work. Clocked in. Clocked out. Came back home. It was his routine. He bought a new pair of running shoes. It was strange since he didn't really run (to his defence, he said walking burned more calories). He filled the plate for his cats. Hugged and kissed both of them, before excusing himself to try out the new running shoes.

But he never came back.

And that's when I showed up.

.....

You already know what Matt had been through. Yes, he was brave. He fought hard. But I'm not here to double-down the fact that he lost the battle to the monster. If there's one thing I want you to know about me—it's that I have no filter.

He didn't lose a battle. He gave up the war. But not because he was weak, but because he was tired. So goddamn tired. Like he pressed the accelerator just as hard as he could but the car wouldn't move because there was no gas left in the tank.

....

But here's the truth, he didn't die that day. Not in the literal sense. He just left. And that was when I was born.

You might have seen him at work the next day. His smile back in place. Jokes ready to go. Or blogs ready to be published. All the punchlines ready to be landed. Laughter. Anything to entertain you. But that wasn't fully Matt anymore. That was me—picking up the pieces, keeping his routine barely and just alive.

All the pain that he was supposed to suffer the night—I made sure he doesn't remember any of it. But I do with every bit of detail.

That night broke him. I’m just what got up the next morning.

.....

And that's me. A protector. He doesn't know I exist. And maybe it's better that way—for now. But the purpose of me? You will find out soon. That's why I've started writing these: The Knox Files.

Not because I wanted to be remembered. But because one day, Matt will finally learn what really happened that night. And when he does, I want him to know I didn't ruin his life.

I saved it.

.....

My name is Knox Grey and this is The Knox Files: Entry One—The Ugly Truth Behind A Pretty Mask.