Low Battery Mode: Time to Recharge

I'm not exaggerating when I say I might be one of the most stubborn people I've ever met. I live in one mode — trying to prove those who have doubted me wrong. Everything feels like a constant ongoing war, and yes, everywhere is a battlefield.

So you can probably guess — I burn out very easily. It happens like clockwork, every six months or so. Routine. Repetitive.

.....

It took me longer than I'm willing to admit to see that this pattern is not resilience —  it's a toxic habit that wrecks my mental and physical health. All it ever took was hearing my therapist urging me to restart my medications and reminding me there's no point proving anything to "someone" who doesn't even acknowledge my existence.

"Why do you keep fighting a battle you know you'll lose eventually?" ~ he asked.

Of course, I argued and talked back. I'm competitive. I'm stubborn. I don't like to be on the losing side. I told him I needed to do better so my doubters would realise their mistakes and finally come to their senses.

But here's the thing - my therapist has seen every storm I've weathered over the last five years — the highs, the lows, the breakdowns, the ugly cry during the sessions, the rebuilds, or even the relapses. He was there. He's here. And as long as I keep showing up, he will stand with me until I'm ready to do it on my own.

.....

I told him I couldn't back down. That I knew I was climbing uphill in a thunderstorm and landslides awaiting. But I couldn't just quit. Not yet. I couldn't afford to lose. I explained I was trying to do two things at once — survive and plan my escape.

"But eventually you will lose. You know it all too well. You will lose two battles if you can't just pick one to focus on and put all your energy to it"

He didn't sugarcoat the situation and feed me with the usual 'life will figure itself out' clichés. He was honest and admitted that this was one of the worst places I'd been since our first session. He doubled down on the fact that I needed to resume my medications. Without it, he said, I wouldn't just only lose the fight, but also my sanity. And there's no coming back from that.

.....

It was one of the most intense forty-five minutes of my life. But I did learn a lot. And no — I'm still certain I will lose this battle. But I know I have to shift my focus elsewhere. There's no point going above and beyond for people who don't even see your worth. You don't need to come first in every race — you just need to run fast enough to qualify for the next round.

He didn't say I should give up, but he made it clear I don't have the unlimited resources and energy to fight every war. You can lose every battle. But you can't lose yourself. Because if you do, there's nothing left to fight for.

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