It's the hope that kills—or does it make us feel alive?

It's been almost 3 months since the breakup. I've been doing okay, although a little down sometimes because not only the weight of the breakup that has been dumping down on me, but I also lost the other cat as we had to split them as we parted ways. But there's no point dwelling on the past; I've kept reminding myself of this.

I've been on dating apps, all of them I could think of. And even though there are some interests, I haven't been on a date once. It's been 5 years since I was last single, when a pandemic was still around, and a mask became another organ. I don't plan on jumping into the new relationship right away. No string attached.

But life still goes on regardless. I still go to work. Skip breakfast, have lunch, and enjoy dinner. Everything remains as it has been, only that I don't wake up next to my ex-girlfriend anymore. To think about it, this is probably the first time I'm able to call her 'the ex'; I'd had the habit of referring to her as the girlfriend in every anecdote.

I managed to pick up a new (lost) habit of reading. I don't do impulse shopping; instead, I browse Reshelf every day to find some interesting titles to get myself lost in a fictional, made-up world. My TBR list is now piling up, but I find comfort in seeing more and more books on the shelf, so it's not quite a loss, I would say, although my wallet would say otherwise.

I can't see myself with anyone in the near future. But as my therapist likes to say, people need people, and eventually I might need to go out and be on the dating scene again, but now I don't think so. I'm content with whatever chapter I'm on within this book called Life, anyway. Plus, I have the cat, so I don't need much interaction with the outside world.

But here's the catch – I see a glimmer of light at the supposed end of the tunnel. A hope, perhaps, but I grew up with a mindset that it's better not to have hopes because that's how you get your heart broken (and I'm doing a very bad job at keeping that motto). But I'll never know what it smells like in a park after the heavy downpour if I never step foot outside the house.

I don't know much, but I do certainly know that life is full of uncertainty, and that's what makes it interesting. It might only have been the beginning, but I'm hooked, and I can't wait to find out where it pans out and what the next part will have for me.

To hope is to walk into traffic with your eyes wide open. As long as I look both ways when crossing the street, I think I should be fine.