"I think you're being too harsh on yourself"

I was in my psychiatrist's small little yet spacious room feeling puzzled and rambling on about how my month went.
I kept blaming myself for everything that had happened, even though some things were out of my control and not my fault, by any means.

I don't know why I'm like this, but as far as I'm concerned, I've always been like this.
And for some reason, as he jotted down on his note, that was a concern.

There are very few examples that I can proudly say I'm good at, but if I had to say one thing, I'd say my self-awareness.
I even think I might be one of the most self-aware people I know, if not the most!
But you know...knowing that you're a bad person doesn't automatically translate that you're a good person...
Totally different topic and I'm not ready to talk about that just yet.

For instance, if I receive some criticism, on a surface level, it might look like I don't take it very well, and to an extent, it might even look like I take it personally, which, in fact, is very true.
The truth is, my frustration isn't with the feedback itself, but rather at myself for failing such a simple task...
...Living up to the expectation.

Hearing my flaws out loud just reinforces my disappointments.
I told my psychiatrist I was probably being too hard on myself—always comparing, always falling short. I said my whole life felt like a failure. Still does, if I’m honest.

Before I went on about the anxiety, my psychiatrist looked up and apologetically said something that's stuck with me to this day.

I think you're being too harsh on yourself.

You often compare your first chapter with someone else’s halfway point or at the end of their book.

Instead of measuring yourself against others, try reflecting on your past self and recognize how far you've come.

If there's someone I recommend you to compare, I think it would be your past self. Instead of measuring yourself against others, try reflecting on your past self and recognize how far you've come.

My years-ago self would disagree with those words and if my psychiatrist is lucky, he's at most half right.
It was like a pat on the back admitting that you suck and there's nothing you can do.
And accept the fact that you're not good enough.

Back then, I believed it:
“You’re not good enough, and you never will be".

But that was then.

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