I Don't Want to Die, I Just Don't Want This

The title feels a bit strong, doesn't it?
I consider myself one of the lucky ones. I grew up in a loving (yet tough) family, being an only child so I may be a bit spoiled sometimes, went to a nice school. So basically, my upbringing was good.

But
What went wrong?

As I told you, even though I was well-loved, it still got tough for me.
I'd love to say sometimes, but in reality, it's most of the time, or maybe even always.
I've had everything handed to me on a plate, so the expectations were always high.

Think of it like a race.
My training facility was top-notch. I ate and slept well.
My sole and only focus was to train and train and make sure to always come on top.

But life always throws a surprise at you, doesn't it?
Despite all these, I managed to finish 2nd, 3rd, and even out of the top 4 sometimes.

"It wasn't that I wasn't good enough.
Someone else just happened to be better".

At least that was what I should have told myself when it was still not too late.
Life, as I told you, always hits hard and fast.
And at that time, the voice inside my head came to the conclusion that I wasn't good enough.

YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH, MATT.
YOU'RE NOT ENOUGH!

That voice stuck with me.
It grew louder each time I failed—until I stopped trying altogether.

Sometimes the Monster Wins

I'm not here to talk about the bright side of these mental health issues.
Because you know what? I can barely see the lights myself.
It was dark. It's dark. It has always been dark in these little invisible yet not imaginary tunnels.

Just because it's not visible doesn't mean it's not real.
Just because I don't scream my lungs out doesn't mean it's not killing me inside.

"You win some, you learn some". they said

Learn? Learn what?
Learn to be numb to all the pain?
What for?
So you can survive another day, just to feel the same tomorrow?
Is that the lesson?
That there’s nothing to learn, except how to keep pretending it’s not killing you?

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger?
More like, what doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead.

It's like you have a wild animal waiting to cut your flesh at any minute.
Except it's put in a chain and in captivity.
Except that chain is not real and there's no wall in the cage.
You have nothing to protect yourself, except the false sense of security that you keep telling yourself that it has already been tamed.
But if you let your guard down, you’ll end up with those little flowers placed above your head.
You know what that means.

You're out to fight a demon every day.
People say it's going to get better.
But when?

How can you win against a demon when it's a part of you.
You're basically fighting against yourself.
Choke the demon to death and you also get hurt in the process.
Because remember? The demon is also you.

And Matt, you were wrong again.
It's not that sometimes the demon wins.
It's every time until the day you finally stop trying.
That day it can't haunt you anymore, or it can, but who truly knows?

I hope it gets better.
I hope you manage to find a little happiness in everything you do and everywhere you go.
I hope you finally find your life worth living.
And until then, I hope you keep fighting, even when it feels like you're the only one who understands the battle.